PLANET TREXIS, WE ARE DOOMED
by xXMiakyattoXx
Summary: Okay, distant planet in a distant galaxy. They speak English, know of anime, Nightcore, whatever. It's a lot like Earth, but only 10 countries. Sad, yes. Not the point. Solanca, one of those countries, stumbles upon Hetalia units, faints, and then her sister, Koe, orders them for her. Now, does Solanca know of the trouble she's gotten into? No. Poor, poor Solanca. Wish her luck...


**Disclaimer: OMG,** **why must this be necessary!? ...*sigh* alright...**

**I DON'T OWN HETALIA, THE UNIT MANUAL THINGIES, OR MANY OTHER THINGS IN THE STORY.** **I do, however, own the house and anything in it.**

**Okay, so I read a LOT of Hetalia unit fics, and they're all the usual cliché for Unit fics: Some 16-22 year old Otaku has a random ad pop up on her screen, and for whatever reason, she ends up clicking "yes" or whatever. That's in this story. EXCEPT DIFFERENT. You see, my friends, I am a master of bending and twisting things to my liking. That's why I have added a twist to the cliché. Kyrim's SISTER filled everything out after Kyrim passed out from shock. Also we're not on Earth.**

**We're on my crazy-ass made up planet, Trexis. Yeah. They're just like humans, really, except NO ONE ON THIS PLANET CAN DIE! MWAHAHAHA! Yes, planet full of IMMORTALS. So everyone on this planet is in eternal Y.O.L.O mode. YUSH. Anyways, enjoy!**

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**Kyrim's POV**

I sat on my bed, totally bored out of my mind. Too gloomy outside to go to a park, play football(soccer), or go swimming…and I had already drawn all my pictures I wanted to…I could bug my sister, Laya…but instead, I wanted to browse the internet. And it was a horrible mistake. Because suddenly,

A WILD AD APPEARED!

"…Um, okay, let's see…eh? Hetalia units? …_scalcht mlazkt knagt hyaksho!*" _I didn't know what the hell to think anymore. Hetalia units? For real? I was brain-dead for a minute. I couldn't think. I fainted.

**Laya's POV**

"_SCALCHT MLAZKT KNAGT HYAKSHO!" _My sis screamed at the top of her lungs. I heard panicked breathing, and then a thud.

"Eh…Kyrim? Um…You okay?" I got up from my chair and headed upstairs. Her room was right at the top, so it didn't take long for me to find her passed out. "EH!? Kyrim, are you okay? …Uh…she's out cold… …what's that on her screen?" I walked over to her computer. "Hetalia…Units? They're free for the weekend only because lately people haven't been buying. Ah, a way to rid themselves of excess units. Good job, corporation. But these are usually sold in Japan…you know, on Earth? We don't normally have shipments all the way from the Milky Way galaxy…Eh, whatever. I'll just order them for us…"

CLICK

TAPTAPTAPTAP

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

Ve~

I filled out all the information. It said that our units would be there the next day, and we would receive 3. "…Okay then. So then, which units could we get first? I personally want a KIKU HONDA unit…ah, I remember when I was younger I'd always want to visit Japan with the Anthean cargo ships…I'd sneak on, and always get caught right before they left. HA! I'd set back shipments by hours while they tried to get me off. Running around on the metal, steel jars of _Listlacia _when I wanted. …If only those stupid jerkasses from the, uh, _El Niño _Galaxy hadn't blown up Anthea… …AGH, I SWEAR, WHEN I FIND THE PLANET THAT DID THAT, I'M GONNA BLOW **THEM** UP!" "Ugh…Koe, please do kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Oh, no…Kyrim's gonna kill me now.

**(Kyrim's POV)**

"Ugh…Koe, please do kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I just snapped back into reality, and the first thing I hear is my sister screaming? Oh hell no. "Oh! Uh, I see, uh, you're awake…um, well, uh, don't freak out! While you were unconscious, I ordered you some units! I, uh, figured you'd want 'em, so, uh, I kinda, um, ordered them! …PLEASE DON'T HURT ME. Q^Q" I stared at her. She stared. I glared. She flinched. "…As long as we don't get an IVAN unit, you're safe. So, uh, when do we get these units? 2, 3 days? Maybe 4?" "Eh, no. Tomorrow at 8:00. A.M." If I had been drinking water, I woulda done a spit-take. "THAT'S BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO BUY STUFF FOR MY EXTRA ROOM! Laya, it's 9:00 P.M. Ikea closes at 10:00**. It's a 30 minute drive to Ikea, and we have a LOT of shopping to do. Seeing as we can order a U-Ship-Urself, this won't take as long. But a truck like that won't fit barely 3 beds. We can put one in the back of my truck. Now, do the math." She thought. And thought. And thought more. "Um, question. Ikea re-opens at 7:30, right?" "Yes. But remember, half hour drive. It'd be too late by the time we got there." "Oh. Okay…so, 4 beds in one trip, right?" "Yes." She thought. Then called someone.

5 MINUTES LATER

"Who'd you call?" "We're borrowing your boyfriend's car." I blushed. And I rarely ever do. "W-WE AREN'T LIKE THAT! It's a one way crush for him. I'd never date him, as if! We're friend-rivals, and that's that!" She rolled her eyes. "Sure…" Oh, how I wanted to punch her.

Anyways, in almost no time at all, Verizon was there with his car, and a U-Ship-Urself truck. We also had a U-Ship truck… "Yeah, I had him get one too! Double the bed power!" I face palmed. Fuck'n Koe… You think of everything, huh? "Oh, yeah, Kyrim, since it's my car, I'll be driving! And cuz you don't like to NOT drive…" I have to ride with Verizon. That bitch think's of EVERYTHING. So yeah, stuck with Xio.

Now, don't assume I hate him. I don't. We're actually like bro's. It's just that ever since he decided he liked me, he's all awkward and stuff. Why can't he like some other girl country, like Frossland? She's nice, quiet, shy…Isn't that the kind of girl he likes? Why is he after me?

"Eh…okay, fine. YO, XIO! I'M RIDING WITH YOU!" I slowly walked over to his car, and got in. "What up, X? Hey, let's crank the music so Laya'll be jelly of your car." He started playing some music from his country. Call's it X-tech. Like J and K-pop from Earth. But we have it as techno. Techno is all over the place like pop is all over the Earth. "Pfft, of course. Go for the music I like." "I didn't play it cuz you like it! I did because it's a new CD from _Zal Vashya._ You know, my ultra famous Band?" I scoffed. "Famous in your country, not mine." He burst out laughing. "HA! My music sounds good in my own language. When your bands make songs, it all sounds like a dying Lyvon barfing and hacking." I glared and pouted. "So my language doesn't sound beautiful and flowy like your's. But hey, at least people are scared of me just 'cause of it. People think of you as a wuss cuz of how you structured your language. HAHAHAHA!" He glared at me, but I knew he didn't mean it. He never REALLY gets mad at me anymore. And I don't think he ever will.

LE TIME SKIP OF AWESOMENESS

"ALRIGHT! We got out of there just in time! 7 beds! Perfect! We'll be so totally ready for those…uh…" I totally forgot! If I told Xio I would be living with a bunch of guys ALONE, he'd be hella jelly! And his jelly wrath is CRA-ZAZY. Almost as scary as Belarus on a Russia hunt. "…Scientist chicks! Yeah, they want to study my country and stuff, so I said, 'EH, why not? Stay at my place!' Yeah, those guys." He raised and eyebrow at my lie, but shrugged it off. So, I guess I made it through that. Joy.

"Eh, so, where are these science nerds from?"

"What!? Oh, uh, they're from, uh…Sealand! From Earth!"

"All the way from Earth? Must be ULTRA nerds."

Now, Xio knows nothing about Earth, or Hetalia, so he doesn't know that Sealand is only like an oil rig thing in the water. No disrespect to Sealand and his fan girls, but it's true. That's what Sealand actually is. It's extremely saddening, but true. "Yeah, uh, people from Sealand are usually really nerdy when it comes to distant planets and galaxies and…the universe…" You can tell I'm making it up as I go. But Xio's totally buying it, so I might as well keep the info flowing.

If I could. Cuz just then we pulled into my driveway. "Yeah, so thanks for the help, Xio! Hey, wanna help us get the beds set up?" "Sure! Anything to help, Kyrim!" He'll do anything for me. Which isn't a good thing, cuz one day I'll take advantage of that. "Dude, chillax! You can call me Solanca!" Okay, one quick thing I need to explain: On my planet, having permission to call one by their country name is considered a great honor, as having no honorific in manga and stuff is considered a great honor (or sometimes considered rude… -.-'). So, he was ecstatic to hear that he could call me Solanca.

"Like, for real? No joke?"

"I shit you not, Xio. I shit thee not."

"Uh, th-thank you, K-…um, Solanca!" He'll get used to it. Hell, I got used to calling him Xio real quick! He'll do fine. Anyways, we gathered up the mattresses, wooden bed stuffs, and pillows. I led Xio and Laya up to the room where the beds would be. It was a long room, with a large window at the end. It had a clear view of my country's greatest monument, the _Malzt de Katsk Vlon_. That means "Rock of Great Power". It's a giant obsidian rock with an ancient Solancian inscription carved in it. It described the end of Anthea, and many other things to come. I figure you want to read it, so here:

(Translated to English)

I dark day a'cometh

The death of a planet

And the cure will never be found

For a distant galaxy's ailments

A game to be played

On the heartstrings of one

And may rage fill thy veins

To end the days of happiness

An end in which

None can surpass

The death of another

But larger

In the end

Not one can defend

Save for the one who brought it

And save for the ones with her

I don't know about you, but that confuses the hell out of me. It all talks about disaster, so I want to figure it all out before any of it happens. Cuz I know for SURE that disaster is bad. But I can get to it later.

"Okay, put that there…good, that one over there…alright, I think you get it…NO! Beds must be exactly 3 feet apart! God, Laya…" Okay, so yeah. I'm freaking out over the whole "unit" situation. But in the end, everything will be okay. …I hope.

ANOTHER TIME SKIP OF AWESOMENESS

GET THE FUCKING DOOR!

Oh, how I now wish I hadn't made my doorbell say THAT. I had wanted to sleep in that day.

"WHUT!? Okay, god! I'm up, I'll answer!" I dragged my lazy ass out of bed, walked downstairs(actually I fell…), and ripped the door off it's hinges. "Yo. Eh, waddya want?" "Oh, uh, I'm here to deliver your units! You ordered them yesterday?" I whut? …Oh, yeah, Koe did… "Oh. Okay, yeah, sure. Uh, just put the boxes in the living room and I'll sign." His companion, who I now just noticed, brought in 3 boxes. I took the other guy's clipboard thing and BLAM, the units were now legally mine. I think. This is the first time I've got a shipment from Earth. Cuz see, on our planet, we don't sign things. We order something, they bring it, and ONLY the orderer can receive it. How do we know it's them? Duh. ID. And then we scan the card, put it into that company's database, and then they'll know you next time you order something. Simple. At least, to us it is. We're the ones with the flying pigs and stuff. :D

I checked the clock really fast. Oh JOY. 8:00 A.M. I LOVE waking up this early. I grabbed the first manual.

**ALFRED. :USER GUIDE AND MANUAL**

"Oh, okay, cool. So, let's see…ai'ght, so just play the national anthem, right? …It's on YouTube, right?" I searched it up, and BLAM! A million videos of that shit. Why is it popular even on Trexis? …Screw it, never mind. I clicked on one of the videos and put my speakers to full blast. Hopeful it would tune out America's singing…

"**OH SAY CAN YOU SEE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT"**

"NOTE TO SELF: NEVER PLAY ANYTHING FULL BLAST!" It played for a little longer, then I heard this:

"_**AND THE ROCKET'S RED GLARE! THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR! GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE NIGHT, THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL THERE!" **_

Yeah, it was bold, italic, AND underlined. I needed to fully emphasize how horrible his singing was. Somehow, it was louder than the video! And my ears-I SWEAR ON MY SISTER'S LIFE, THEY WERE LITTERALY _**BLEEDING.**_ It sucked. When the song finally ended, everything sounded like _**BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! **_Like, you don't even know. I ripped of the chains, the front of the box, and I wanted to rip off America's face. "I SWEAR TO GOD. IF YOU EVER SING EVER AGAIN, I WILL RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE, DAMMIT." "WELL GEEZ, I'M SORRY!" Oh god, his voice was so LOUD. I could feel my brain dying from sound overload. "Okay, okay, okay, OKAY. …Please never scream again, and I won't rip out your tongue. Got it?" "Yeah…yeah sure, dude." I sighed. In relief. I never do that. But I did, because the torture was over. So, I showed him around the house, blew his MIND with my horror movie/game room, and then made him puke rainbows when I brought him to my room full of EVERYTHING CANDY. Yeah, I have that. I'm fucking SOLANCA, I can have whatever I want!

"DUDE YOU HAVE A ROOM FULL OF CANDY!? I DON'T HAVE THAT IN MY HOUSE, HOW COME OTHER PLANET'S COUNTRIES DO!?"

"AMERICA! …Calm down. You live here now. Technically this ALSO BELONGS TO YOU. Got it?"

"…I have a room full of candy now?"

"Yes. …Okay, YES, YOU CAN SWIM IN THE CHOCOLATE POOL LATER."

"YOU ARE A GOD, DUDE!"

"Yes, I know. Moving on." I led him through many hallways, to many rooms, and finally, to the BEDroom. "Dude, what's up with all the beds?" "Oh, well, cuz this was the only empty room left, uh…This is like, the room all of you sleep. Like an orphanage room." He stared. I was freaking out. 'HE'S GONNA COMPLAIN AND FLIP OUT!' That was all I could think. But then, "Oh, DUDE! Mine's the one with like, Captain America stuff, right!? AND A GIANT HAMBURGER PILLOW!?" Okay. So he flipped out in a good way. That's nice. "Uh, duh. Who else would have that?" "ME!" He ran in and practically murdered his bed by like, pile-driving it. "…Okay, well uh, enjoy your bed. I'll be back soon."

I walked off to go check out the next unit. One could only hope it wasn't Ivan…

**FRANCIS BONNEFOY: USER GUIDE AND MANUAL**

"…Okay then. The pervert. Joy." I looked through the manual, reading EVERYTHING(for safety reasons…), and then EXTREMELY CAUTIOUSLY opened the front of the crate. I pulled out the book the Manual had informed me of and read every word carefully before finally deciding to wake him up. "…I can't cook for shit…I'm not putting on porn…Pierre seems like a fail safe idea…but boring…I know French, I could sing his national anthem…but I don't like singing for people…" I did anyways. The only reason I don't like singing is because I don't like the praise, I get all awkward and stuff when I get praised. I kept on singing though, and soon heard the Frenchman from in the box. I started freaking out inside. 'RA HELP ME!'* I screamed in my head. I shut my eyes tight and blocked out all the noise except my singing. That helps sometimes. But one simply can't ignore what embarrasses them most.

I ended it not too long later, and, blushing madly, pulled off the box front again. "Say one word. Try me." One could see my blush through the strands of hair covering my face, so I expected him to take advantage of that. But he didn't. THANK YOU.

Then I had an idea. A nachtchoudi*** idea! The blush faded and I ran to a phone. "Eh, mademoiselle, who are you calling?" "WHDBUHYFGHUY! Oh…didn't notice you(LOL he got Canada'd!). I'm calling my sister. I wanna freak her out." I quickly stabbed in the numbers and listened to the ring. "Why would you freak her out now?" "Well, I told her that if I got an IVAN unit, I'd kill her. I'm gonna lie and say I did." "…Why ze heel would you lie about Ivan!? He is incredibly frightening, you might scare ze poor girl to death!" I scoffed. "Frenchie please! Ain't no one on this planet scared of RUSSIA! Well, maybe Frossland…but no one else! The most feared on this planet is Falonz, and he ain't SHIT! So obviously, Russia ain't shit!" He shut up quickly. Mainly because when I snap, even a LITTLE TINY BIT, I scare people. Hell, I should be most feared!

The ringing stopped, and I heard my sisters usual, "Kon sai-sai?" I smirked in delight. I was already having too much fun with this. "OH YA, hi Laya! Um, yeah…listen, you won't be too happy, but uh… BISH I GOT IVAN, PREPARE FOR INVASION." I heard her shriek on the other end. I almost threw the phone across the room. "NO SIS PLEASE DON'T INVADE! I WANNA KEEP MY COUNTRY,AND, AND…SOSHIMYA LE HATEM EUL ON SIH MISEN KOL SENV LA! KOMOSHITEEEE!****" I could tell she was in full on panic mode when she started screaming in Koen. I was about to burst out laughing, but kept it in. "Look, Laya. I warned you. You should have known the dangers of ordering BEFORE you did. So now, I'm taking your country. Have a nice life." I was about to hang up, but she did first. I shrugged it off as mere rush to tell her boss or something, but then my door flew off it's hinges. Laya rushed in and begged at my feet along with her boss. 'Holy fuck…' I thought, and just stood in shock as they apologized profusely for ordering the units. I couldn't take it. I burst out laughing. Not the kind of, 'Haha, I totally got you!' laugh. No. This was maniacal, threatening, psychotic. "How pitiful. Begging at my feet when obviously the damage is done. I mean, look at yourselves," I lightened up, and stifled a REAL laugh. "You really thought I was gonna invade? Bish please! Your country isn't worth controlling, you can keep it!" The two on the ground stared at me. Then each other. Then me. Then back at each other. And then, they laughed. I giggled, then cracked up along with them. This went on for a while, but the two started crying. "Kyrim, that's not nice, you scared me…" I rolled my eyes. "Tch, whatever. It was fun while it lasted. Now get out before I shove barbed wire down your throats." They sped off at the speed of light, not wanting to die.

"…Ma Cherie, why are you so, eh, incredibly creepy!?" I shrugged. "Dunno. Random depressing shit in my past? I don't really care, I don't notice what's wrong with me. I guess that means I'm truly insane, huh? …Eh, whatever. Anyways, I only had on room empty, so all the beds are there. But I put you in a group over with the rest of the BTT, so be grateful." "Ah, merci. I almost thought you would put me near jerk Britain…" I stared. "Whaaaat!? No, screw him! I almost put him in the basement! Fucking HYPOCRITE that guy is…" My intense hatred towards Arthur spiked his interest. "Quoi? Why do you hate him?" I spawned a dark, creepy-ass aura, and I practically smelled of death, blood, and rotting flesh. "May 30. 1431. Oh, yeah, burn "witches" and then fuck with black magic yourself…I'm seriously using all of my willpower to NOT burn HIM at the stake…" Francis cringed at the date. I realized he probably, no, DEFINITELY didn't like talking about the date, but I held so much hate for that day…SO MUCH… "O-oui…the bastard…took my everything…" I had put everything into a depressing mood. And then, an idea. A great, no, NACHTCHOUDI idea! 'But should I tell him? Would he agree? It could anger many fan girls…' I thought. I wanted to decide against it, but…GOD, I hated him so much, and it would make so many lives better…could I? Would I? "…You know, I have a friend…he's a god with life trading, um…and…" He looked up, confused. "Hm? What are you talking about?" "Well…I was thinking…if…no, WHEN I get an ARTHUR unit…I could have him trade that life…for Joan's…" I could practically see his eyes light up. I could almost hear him screaming right in my ear to call my friend now. He opened his mouth to speak…but stopped. I knew why. " You don't want to end a life, huh? …understandable. But Francis, this is Joan we're talking about. The only woman I know you'll ever REALLY TRULY LOVE. Within a few days, you could have her back. Is it really that bad? An eye for and eye, life for a life?" He stared at the ground. I watched. And then he spoke. "I would love for Joan back, I really would…but…it just does not seem right, to trade lives…not…fair, really…" I could only stare. Fair? That's a word from Earth, right? We have English, here, but… what is fair? "I…okay. I think I get it. But…if you change your mind, come back to me. Or, I might get back to you, with a better idea."

The thick, depressing atmosphere was still hanging around. If only- "HEY KYRIM, WAS-OH HEY FRANCE, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?" Ah, Alfred. Perfect timing. "Just like, 10 minutes ago. Didja' want something?" He walked over, McDonalds gift card in hand. "Yeah, man, I'm like, soooo hungry. Do you guys have MceeD's on this planet?" I smiled, and plucked my car keys from the wall. "Uh, duh. I love McDonalds. So, GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR, WE'RE RAIDING ALL THE MCDONALDS!" I yelled. I was rushing to the doorway, following Alfred, but then turned. "Erm, Francis. Could you watch the house while we're out stuffing our faces~?" He sighed, shaking his head. "Honestly, I don't get what you see in that greasy mess America calls food…but I'll watch the house, mon petite belle~." "Kay, thanks~! Don't open the last crate, whoever's inside will probably kill you!" I rushed out the door to my car, then realized what he called me. "…STUPID FLIRT!" I could hear his trademark laugh. Oh, yeah. SO funny…sometimes…sometimes I wonder why I still love these guys…

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**THE SORROW. THERE IS ALSO ALWAYS SORROW IN THESE STORIES. I HAD TO USE IT, IT WAS IN THE CLICHE.**

**This actually took, like, 3 months to write. Why? I'm a lazy-ass motherfucker. :D**

**Also, translations for my weird-ass made up language.**

*** It translates to "HOLY-WHAT THE FUCK!?"**

**** I actually have no idea when IKEA closes. So yeah.**

***** It means wonderful, or fantastic.**

****** She's pretty much saying, "PLEASE DON'T INVADE I'M REALLY SORRY!"**

**More to come.**


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